nursing a toddler

aka nursing an octopus
aka nursing an acrobat

Oh my little monkey,
It doesn't seem so long ago that your feet just reached the other side of my body, toes curling around my rib cage. You would close your eyes and place tight fists beside either cheek as your full focus was on getting milk into your belly. You were demanding, needing a top-off every hour or two in those early days. Your cries of hunger were desperate and angry then.

But now you're a big boy, your rump on the couch by my hip as you stretch out across me. Your lower hand likes to pinch me, and dig between my ribs. Your top hand pulls on my necklace or shirt collar, or worse, scratches my chest and reaches inside my shirt to poke and pinch. I routinely sport scratch marks from you. Yesterday you were experimenting with using your feet to brace yourself so you could arch your back off my lap. If I would let you nurse standing up, I'm sure you would, but I try to establish some rules and manners. Our days are littered with "Ma-ma? Ma-ma?" as you pat a chair or couch for me to sit down. I often say no now. You get angry - throwing your head back and screaming - but then, you get angry every time your will is thwarted. Only when I'm convinced you need to nurse (or when I need to nurse you) do I acquiesce to your insistent pounding. It truly is a surprise to me that, if I allowed it, you'd nurse as often now as when you were an infant, despite eating several meals a day and drinking water/juice/milk/tea from a cup.

But I just don't enjoy it anymore. When you were tiny and we struggled, I persevered knowing that there was no other option. Your only sustenence was what I made for you. The exhaustion from waking all night, the frustration of being stuck in a chair for most of my day - it was worth it to see you put on weight. Now that you're older, I love to reconnect with you when I come home in the evening, to look into your pure slate-grey eyes, to run my fingers through your thick curls and over your delicate cheeks. But then you start in with the poking and pinching and scratching, and I am the referee again, saying, "No!" and pulling your hands off me. Your daddy even tried to help, devising a blanket/swaddling trick that worked great - and also made you lose your mind with rage.

I really want to let you nurse as long as you need to, but you show no signs of weaning. I haven't set any deadlines, I haven't made any decisions. But I'm looking forward to the day we can cuddle without nursing. I know I'll miss your cheek against my breast, I'll miss those quiet, private moments, and the intense way you look into my eyes. But I won't miss my pinchy little octopus.

(post originally written in March - but it still holds true today)

Refusing C-section = losing your child in New Jersey

Be careful moms, anything you say during labor can and will be used against you in a court of law. "A mom in New Jersey acted erratically while in labor. She was combative. She was noncompliant." God help me if I ever have to give birth in hospital.

via Huntington Post

A brief summary/

Clearly the decision to remove the child from the parents was based on more than just how the mom behaved during labor, but it was the behavior during labor that tipped off DYFS.

Cloth diaper - an introduction

I've had a couple of requests lately for some help getting started cloth diapering, so I decided to write it up here for anyone who happens by...

There are three major schools of cloth diapering:
All-in-ones (AIOs) vs prefolds with a cover vs G-diapers

AIOs: All-in-ones are a "pocket" style diaper. The shell has a wicking inner layer that sits against baby's body and a water-proof outer layer. The "pocket" is stuffed with absorbant layers, and more or less can be used depending on your needs. The diapers close with velcro or snaps. This style is available in "one-size" or in S, M, L, etc. The "one-size" adjusts by snapping down the front for a shorter diaper, but the width (i.e., across the heiney) cannot be adjusted.
AIO PROS: AIOs are easier to put on the baby, may be easier to maintain, and have a broad sizing selection for optimal fit.
AIO CONS: They are also much more expensive ($15-20 per diaper) and wear out faster since you are regularly washing the water-proof portion of the diaper. Also, with more sizing options you may find you need to upgrade to a new size more often than with the prefolds. Every brand is different - some work better on chubby babies, or those with fat legs, or those with skinny bellies.

Prefolds: This is the old school method: cloth is folded over the baby, and this is covered with a water-proof covering. Wool soakers are one cover option, plastic is another. The cloth part can be one of several types: prefold cloth (rectangle with thicker padding in the middle), flat-fold (a large piece of cotton or flannel that is folded several times), or fitted cloth (specialty diapers that look a lot like AIOs but without the built-in waterproof layer). The cloth part has to be fastened in some way (pins or Snappis), but the waterproof covering isn't in direct contact wtih the baby and thus doesn't get dirty very often.
Prefold PROS: Prefolds are much less expensive ($2-5 per diaper insert, $5-20 for covers that don't have to be washed after every single use). You probably only need 2-3 sizes of diapers for the duration of your child's diaperhood. They are incredibly adjustable for different sized and shaped babies.
Prefold CONS: Prefolds must be closed with diaper pins or snappis (I loved snappies), wool diaper covers need special attention when being washed (though they only need washing every 2 to 3 weeks), and it's easier to have leaking due to improperly closing the diaper. These are the bulkiest option of the cloth diapers - you'll have to go up a size in clothing as baby clothes are designed for super-trim disposables.

G-diapers: G-diapers are a kind of hybrid - trying to make cloth diapering more accessible to people who don't really want to diaper. They look a lot like a superhero outfit. There is a cloth outer layer with velcro closure, and a plastic layer for holding the absorbant lining. The absorbant part can be either disposable or cloth. The advantage is that the disposable part is plastic-free, so less toxic than regular diapers. It can even be composted. The manufacturer encourages flushing as an option, but personally I think this would be a huge waste of water.
G-diaper PROS: You have the option of disposing of the inserts (easier when out and about) or using cloth as a liner. The diapers are less bulky than AIOs and don't have to be washed with every single wear. There are two plastic layers for each cloth layer, so if only the plastic is soiled it saves some on laundry.
G-diaper CONS: The disposable inserts are quite expensive, the plastic lining needs frequent water-proofing, and I found that every BM would spill over the plastic lining, soiling the cloth outside diaper. These require more frequent changes than the other options, as the plastic layer isn't great at holding back much wetness. I also notice the plastic stains very easily.

Lots of people think cloth diapering is horrible or tedious, but it just isn't. One extra load of laundry every day, or every other day. The BMs can be a pain to clean once the baby is eating solids, but even so it isn't unmanageable. We now use cloth only on the weekends and evenings, and I still think it's worth it because I know we're reducing our garbage output two days a week.

I'll have more on different diaper types in a future post.

What I've been doing

I haven't been knitting much, but I've been doing a lot of reading...
Birth: The Surprising History of How We Are Born by Tina Cassidy
Pushed: The Painful Truth about Childbirth and Modern Maternity Care by Jennifer Block

I consider myself a natural childbirth advocate. I understand that not everyone wants to give birth naturally, but for the women who do, it shouldn't be so damn hard. For heaven's sakes - if there is an initiative to give women the right to choose to have an elective cesearean shouldn't women have the right to do the opposite: give birth without intervention?

Alas. With the closing of birth centers around the country, women are now faced with the extreme choices of giving birth in a hospital (with monitoring, IVs, and strict requirements about how quickly they must dilate) or giving birth at home with a midwife (with complete freedom but no immediate access to help if it is needed). And for women giving birth to twins, a breech baby, or with a cesarean scar the choice is between giving birth via cesarean or at home without a midwife.

I've attended two hospital births as a doula, and while I was amazed by my wonderful clients, I was irritated by all they had to deal with along the way. Everything I've read is true - each patient is managed as a potential lawsuit. Each patient is treated as high risk which, paradoxically, makes their labor that much more risky by reducing their freedom of movement, depriving them of food and water, and stressing them out when they need to relax.

The more I read, the more depressed it makes me.

I've been thinking of becoming a childbirth educator, since the schedule would be easier with regard to childcare than the on-call duties of a doula. But now I wonder - is it worth it? Even the former president of Lamaze has said that childbirth education gives women false hope and a false sense of control - when they will really have no control at all in the hospital.

I feel like one of the lucky ones. I was able to give birth at home.I live close to more than one homebirth midwife. Homebirth is legal in my state and covered by my health insurance. My pregnancy was uneventful and didn't require the added precaution of being in hospital. I live just half a mile from two hospitals should anything have gone wrong. I have a paramedic husband who could help had labor progressed faster than the midwives could arrive.

One hundred years ago (after routine handwashing was established, prior to "twighlight sleep" during delivery) my experience would have been normal, average, nothing to be excited about.

Good-bye Graffiti Park

This is the playground we discovered last December with my mom. It's a lovely place right in the middle of Soho, with lots of finely dressed children running and sliding and swinging. It has a clean fence that surrounds the area to keep little ones in, and passers-bys out.

This is the playground closest to my house:

We call it Graffiti Park.

Actually, I should say this was the playground:



I mean - really? You have to tag the playground equipment?

With absolutely no notice, the city recently ripped out the playground equipment. I was there on a Sunday with my son and a friend's baby, and when I drove by on Tuesday it was gone. That was March 22nd, and a month later the city still has no plans about when the replacement is going in. I drive by each day on the way home from work and see children playing in the dirt - they really have no where else to play. I should be thrilled that the playground is being replaced, but I'm not. There don't appear to be any plans to fence the property, or otherwise attempt to exclude the ne'er-do-wells who will again sully the new equipment.

I shudder sometimes to think of where I'm raising my son. For example, this is my neighbor's property:


Note how the siding is peeling from being cleaned of graffiti so often. Why would he bother to replace it? Would you, knowing it would be tagged again?

I wonder, very often, why some areas are better maintained than others. Why some people will drop their litter on the street, while others don't. Why some cities do something about said litter, and others don't.

On a lighter note, before the playground was ripped out, BabyMan figured out how to climb the steps, walk across the platform, and slide down the slide all by himself.

Some things

There are some things people warn you about. Some of those things turn out just like you'd heard, and you feel somewhat prepared. Some of those things are far less awful than you'd been warned. And then there are the terrible twos.
My darling, beautiful, amazing child has commenced with the tantrum throwing. Yes, this child:


There are several variations on the theme. Once or twice a day we get the "I'm going to see if I can get what I want by screaming" tantrum. This can be easily mitigated by either giving him what he wants (which I often already intend to give him, but I might be moving too slowly) or offering an appropriate substitute. Sometimes the desired item (or activity) is simply off limits - razor blades, walking in the middle of the street - and we move up to the intense "I've lost my mind and don't know how to stop screaming" tantrum. These are not so easy to manage. In fact, management isn't even an option - it's simply a matter of keeping from losing my own mind.

After a brief reprieve while the whole family was sick and the little man was too weary for tantrums, it seems he is feeling well again. This morning we woke up with a tantrum (he was screaming for a banana before his eyes were fully opened, and getting dressed first was not on his agendy). We settled down enough to begin the dressing chore but another tantrum ensued when he was informed that mommy can't get dressed with a child clinging to her neck*. We settled down enough to let mommy get dressed and start undressing baby when he lost his mind over the indignity of having a fresh diaper placed on his behind. While also being asked to lay down! And not roll over!

As I recover from the morning (and send loving thoughts to my husband who is home with the wearying boy all day) I have created this graphic. It turns out that something can be so horrible that it's actually hilarious. And with this phase, these might be the only laughs we get for a bit.

*The odd piece of news is that because of the exhausting fits he throws, he now needs more comfort than ever. He wraps both arms around my neck and holds on.

The cost of being not that kind of knitter

This lovely sock:

Fits more like an ankle brace than like a sock.


I know I said I'm not that kind of knitter, but I'm not stupid either. The Jaywalker pattern is notorious for being too tight for most people, so twice - TWICE - while I was knitting the leg I slipped the stitches onto spare yarn and tried it on. It was snug going over the heel, and I'd have like a bit more ease, but it fit well enough. Going up a size would have made it far too loose. But alas, the finished sock is snug snug snug. I'll give it a bath and see if it loosens up, otherwise this is going to the bottom of the queue, only to get a mate if I decide to gift it to someone with smaller feet. I know some people would rip it out and start over, but I'd rather give it away. I'm just not that kind of knitter.

In other news, BabyMan and Carolyn and I are planning to go see the Yarn Harlot in New York today. This will be my first foray into the city without a second adult (though it's kind of cheating as I'm meeting two adults in Penn Station). BabyMan is quite the challenge when he doesn't want to sit still - I think Jujitsu instructors could learn a thing or two about breaking free from their opponent from this kid.

I say we're planning, because there are several "ifs" in the air. If the weather holds...if BabyMan's cold doesn't get worse as the day goes on....if work doesn't hold me up...(ETA: if it doesn't turn out we had the date wrong!!)

Fingers crossed. We're even dressed for the event.